bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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