you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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