Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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