we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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