i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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