I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
