So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
