Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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