Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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