I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize