Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
