dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
