UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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