we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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