Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want to be your penis for a week.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
