I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize