did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
