ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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