if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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