Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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