That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
