why didn't you poke me back
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
