life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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