Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
