i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
bring money and cleavage
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
