90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
so much tequila, so little girl.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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