since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
