In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize