i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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