Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize