i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
