you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is Oprah even human
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Congratulations! We have a period
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