I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize