did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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