You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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