my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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