I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In other news, I just burned my penis
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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