i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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