So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
