You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
