I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
