forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize