I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Less talking, more tequila
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
