I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
