I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
