I seem to have left my pride at pride
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
