So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
