i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
