I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
