Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
