Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
