The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
