Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
