You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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