I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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