fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
