Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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