girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
