did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
