Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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