I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize