I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
