Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
